it makes me sick

looking for an architectural job. i know, i know, this is the profession i got myself into. but that doesn't mean i have to love it. or at least, not all of it.

i was just browsing through my weblinks of recruitment companies in the city i left. while i looked through the job placements available... this strong abhorrence rose in the very core of me. i skim the ads and i absolutely LOATHE the things i've read. i sneer and think "sure, what are the chances that i'll get hired by YOU?"

part of the reason i hate the profession is because i know i'm not good enough. i am not made for this kind of shit. i can appreciate good architecture when i see it. but i can't make good architecture. and in a world where competition is main storyline - well, i can't compete. not. a. chance. especially not in a developed society. especially when i come from the backwaters of the developing world.

i cringe at the words "design flair" and "post-qualification experience" and "strong visual communication skills" - not me, not me, not me. so what kinds of jobs are left? architectural technician. also known as CAD-monkey. nothankyou.

you know what the saddest thing about this is? people feel that it will be a waste if i decide to change careers. ten years of architecture down the drain. ten years of blood, sweat and more than enough tears to last ten lifetimes. but they don't realise - ten years is a pretty good price to pay if the other option is a lifetime of misery. which i know it will be.

i was born to write. i was born to think. these are my gifts. and to deny me the chance to use them - and have fun doing it - is to deny me a chance to live. or at least, to live as i ought.

hay buhay.

mukhang binenta na ako ng isang unano dyan. kainis. paano na, kilala na ninyo sino si super inday?!?! hindi ko na maaring gamitin ang blog na ito upang magreklamo, mang-asar, magdrama at manggulo.

ngayo'y bisperas ng pasko, ngunit hindi ko nararamdaman ang kasiyahan ng panahon. baka dahil masyado lang akong nag-iisip, at walang magawang nakakawili.

malamig sa londres ngayon. hindi ko lang alam kung mas mararamdaman ko yun pasko doon. pero alam kong gusto kong maranasan ang pasko na wala ako sa maynila, kahit isang beses lang. parang walang kabuluhan ang ika-25 ng disyembre dito sa bahay. hindi ko lang alam bakit. nakakalungkot, pero ganun talaga ang buhay namin.

matatapos na yun taon, at parang walang nagbago dito habang nawala ako. sa loob-loob ko, ayoko talaga manatili sa maynila, o kaya sa pilipinas. hindi naman sa mahirap ang buhay ko dito... ngunit, hindi talaga ako masaya. baka masama na talaga paningin ko sa bansang ito, sa bahay na ito, sa buhay ko dito, kaya gusto kong lumipat. kelangan ko ng malaking pagbabago. hindi ko alam kung paano ko ilarawan sa inyo... basta't nararamdaman ko lang, may kulang ang buhay ko dito. hindi hiyang sa akin ang buhay maynila. hindi ko kayang manatili dito ng matagal. lulubha lang ang kalungkutan ko.

sa tingin ko, pag-alis ko ng pilipinas sa enero.... hindi na ako babalik dito uli. hanggang bakasyon lang. at kahit yon ay madalang mangyayari, kung ako ang masusunod. panahon na para magkaroon ako ng buhay sa labas ng maynila. panahon na para magkaroon ako ng sariling buhay.

what now?

i seem to be plagued by this question more persistently now than ever before.

i am three years away from hitting my third decade of existence. i have just finished my graduate degree, and i have just gotten back from living abroad. like it or not, acknowledged or not, i am now a full-grown adult. and any decision i make is going to set the course of my life for the next few months at least, if not years.

so now what?

essentially, i am faced with two basic decisions. to stay, or to go.

earlier i had wished stay in europe and build my future there. but entire graduate school experience has proven to be a bit too harsh, and i needed to come home and regain some balance in my life. i convinced myself that i should plant my roots closer to home.

now i am rethinking that strategy.

living in a cosmopolitan city-state along the equator, far enough from home, is well and good. but will it satisfy me? my inner being says no. i decided to come back to asia because i had enough of european snobbery. i thought being in my home turf will serve me better. at least i will not be treated as a second-rate citizen. but is that what is really important to me? truth be told - nobody can make me feel bad about myself unless i allow them to. it is one of the painful lessons i have learned of late, and maybe i didn't learn it soon enough.

there is this longing in my heart to go back to that land where i discovered myself. where i am not who everyone else wants me to be, but who i truly am. unfettered, uninhibited, unspoilt. where i can enjoy exhibitions and theatre and opera and classical concerts. where i can walk in the park in the middle of the day if i need to clear my head. where life is not just about shopping malls and traffic jams and television.

perhaps i am clinging too much to the past. circumstances have led me back here, and i had no strength of will to fight it any longer. i have accepted it as my lot in life.

i've sold out.

perhaps i've given up on the idea of happily ever after.

but i haven't forgotten what could be. and as long as i have that memory, my heart will forever be restless.

to go where no man has gone before

well, not exactly. but at least to live where super inday has not lived before. it's time to start a new life, and what better way than to go into uncharted territory. this time, it's closer to the motherland. just three hours away.

in a land infested with a similar breed, super inday will have to prove that she is the ULTIMATE, uh, specimen (?) of her class. her biggest challenge will come in half a year's time... when she has to deal with... the PAMANGKIN. (cue sinister music/thunder.)

will super inday make it in this land of bad english and ridiculously greasy-spicy food? will she finally be happy? will she be able to let go of the past, satisfied to never again venture beyond the tropic of cancer? shall she finally retire as the only domestic helper with a graduate degree?

abangan...

super ex-girlfriend

when i was still living in that island 6,000+ miles away, i saw a movie poster with uma thurman (i think). the title was "my super (ex-)girlfriend", and the tagline was "warning: breaking a superhero's heart can be dangerous to your health". irony of all ironies, i saw the billboard on the way to the boy's flat. it doesn't get better than that.

the only reason i haven't done serious damage is because we are one continent apart right now. which, by the way, is also the reason we broke up. oh, the bitter contradictions that characterise my life.

spent the afternoon putting together my scrapbook of the past year. i'm only halfway through, but the dull ache in my chest made me stop. i have to unload. there are just too many damn memories that i'd much rather not remember right now.

he tried to get in touch with me last night. i think i logged off before he could actually send a message. it was late, i was tired, and the maternal figure was hovering over my shoulder. not exactly the best circumstances to chat with your ex-boyfriend. (i have to admit, i was tempted to buzz him first, but i summarily dismissed the idea once my super hearing detected mother's footsteps moving towards me.) how long we will play this online cat and mouse game is anyone's guess. some days i'm okay. other days i'm blogging.

right now i've given up on love. i've given up on relationships. i've given up on the hope of finding someone who will be perfect for me. someone better than the last one.

i guess that's the fate of superheroes. as they say, it's lonely at the top.

almost doesn't count

they say that recovering from a break-up takes half the length of the relationship. in that case, i should be alright by the end of 2006. except that christmas season isn't exactly the most unemotionally charged time of the year. so perhaps i will be alright by the end of january 2007.

i suppose the hardest part is knowing that we could have had something really beautiful. but circumstances just didn't allow that to happen. truth be told, he is not the great love of my life. but he could have been.

he's never been in love. and i'm not quite sure if he is capable of falling in love. of all his ex-girlfriends, i think i got the farthest in that respect. i almost made him love me.

almost.

my secret powers

one of which is my uncannily good memory. i remember with razor-sharp accuracy particular days, moments, events. it's a curse sometimes. remembering isn't always good.

i remember how he looked the first time i saw him. he was much thinner then. i remember the shirt he wore - it was a striped light blue and yellow button-down shirt. and light brown corduroy pants. i remember where he was seated - across the table, two seats to my left. i remember to whom he was talking - my then-flatmate. i remember what i was doing; i remember what he said; i remember how we left. i remember thinking he was cute. and interesting. and probably much older than i was, at least four years.

i remember the first time we actually spoke to each other. i remember who we were with, what we were doing, and where we were. i remember almost every conversation we had. especially the first few. i remember thinking this guy is special.

i remember the first time we went out. i remember every single date, every walk we took, every show we saw, every exhibition we visited. i remember the first time he kissed me - where, when, how. i remember thinking this could be something beautiful.

i remember the first time i felt hurt. he kept shutting me out of his life. for the longest time, it would seem as if he weren't interested. or at least, not much. then he'd be back, we'd have our moments. and then he would disappear again.

i remember how i finally got fed up that one time he disappeared. i told him to shape up or ship out. i remember the exact spot where it happened, underneath the trees of a little Georgian square. he apologised. he shaped up. and i fell too easily.

i remember thinking he's changed so much from the first time we met. and that i like the change.

then things started falling apart. i started falling apart. and - a rare moment - i don't remember exactly how. perhaps it was because my brain turned to mush that time. i remember resentment building up; i felt i had given so much only to receive so little. everything else in my life was going wrong, and i needed someone to help me. i wanted him to help me. i expected him to help me. but he didn't. i remember feeling so lost and alone and so angry. i remember the hurt and frustration and helplessness. and i remember abandonment.

i got upset at the smallest things. and he would react negatively as well. no hugs, no reassurances, nothing. and i remember saying the most hurtful words i could think of - after all i have done for you, this is what i get. i should have known better than to expect anything from you.

i was there for him when he needed me. more than i should have been. he wasn't there when i needed him. and he will never be, despite all the promises.

when my life was falling apart, he kept telling me that if there is any way he could help... he probably said it six times, on six different occasions. but he hardly delivered once. and when i was on the verge of breaking down, i would ask him - no, tell him - how to help. and he would say - bloody hell, no feckin' way.

i remember how he broke my heart. all the promises he made came rushing back to me, empty. i remember thinking of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". i wanted to forget. i wanted to not have known him at all. for the first time in my life, i would rather not have loved. and i was in the middle of another crisis, to boot. he had impeccable timing.

by the end of the week we were back in each other's arms. how long it takes me to forget is inversely proportional to how fast i can forgive.

i remember so much more after that, i can go on forever. arguing, making up, going away, coming back, saying goodbye. i wished so often that time would stand still, but it never did.

the memory of him will always be a part of me. and perhaps, one day, it won't hurt as much. it might not even hurt at all.

but for the meantime - i remember. every. single. thing.

super inday is...

bored. she need to go out or brain die. brain not working right.

disconnected. friends not available. friends not be found. friends probably not real friends.

restless. she want to go back to cold, foggy city. she want music, theatre, art galleries, parks. accessible public transport. abililty to get somewhere without risk of dying in process.

unemployed. she need money! money make world go round. money make life tolerable. money make you less bored, less restless, and maybe can buy new friends!

waiting. nobody to save this time. nobody but herself. she tired of saving lives. she want her own life now. but own life put on hold too long, she not know how to live anymore. thinking when life is going to begin. scared it already did and she missed the ride.

sad. people forget. but she remember. people hurt and hide. but she hide the hurt and go on. people do not realise superheroes also need hug. superhero not so super after all.

the world's best break-up

actually. it may not even be considered a break-up, but more of just a good-bye. the break-up per se is more of a mess. because now i have spent more time thinking about (ie. dwelling on) it, and it pisses me off to high heavens how much of a jerk he is.

we parted ways more than civilly enough. it was a good-bye with no hard feelings. things happen, circumstances change, people move away. we just grin and bear it. i did. he did. everything is rosey. we both think that we won't see each other for quite some time. he believes he won't see me until - well, he said when he was bald and gray. fair enough.

call it female intuition, but i had a feeling i will be returning to the land of fog soon enough. and i let him know that.

he rejects the idea.

on the basis that he thinks i'm going back FOR HIM.

GIVE.
ME.
A.
BREAK.

life is not all about YOU, mister. truth be told, you would be the last person on earth to find out whether or not i return to that miserable city i left you in. that's what i thought, a few months back when you made me an emotional wreck. as you are doing AGAIN. and may i say, for the last time.

super inday take no shit from no man. no way.

so, take your stupid opinions and shove them up your arse. because it's time i do things my way. for the betterment of myself.

i'm not out to save the world. and least of all, you. it may have happened once, but you just got lucky. trust me, honey. it ain't happening again. especially after all that shit you put me through. not on your life.

you can bet on that. or my name isn't super inday.

i will survive.

so now i'm back. from outer space.

i have not died or given up on my career. it was just put on hold for a while. as was the posting.

but i have regained my status as official kusinera of the household. today, the day i returned to the motherland - and to the father's castle. by dictate of her majesty the queen of the house.

does life get ANY better than this?

resilient

many apologies for the lapse in posting. superheroes tend to get busy this time of the year.

right. now where was i? ah, yes... resiliency.

i have to say, i was quite surprised that he moved on to another target this soon. i am speaking of the man (more like boy, as he is a few months younger) i left back home. when i went for holiday last christmas, the boy started dropping by my house almost every evening. at first i thought nothing of it. he is, after all, my best friend. then things started getting uncomfortable... and then, he dropped the bomb.

i was upset at him for all the right reasons. (at least, i would like to think so.) it was an abuse of trust. (i confided in him about the other men i dated.) it destroyed the friendship. and worst of all... he made me think he was interested in someone else. all this time. of course, i was probably partly to blame. i should have seen the signs. but how could i, when i trusted in him so much that he was like a brother to me? i never thought twice about his intentions or affections. he was my best friend, i was his, end of story. or so i thought.

so now, he comes telling me he asked this other girl out. the one he was supposedly interested in back when we were still buds. barely two months after i blew him off. surprise surprise.

now, if he were as sincere as he professed he was in his tear-jerking letter... (and i DO mean tear-jerking; i hardly slept the night i read it) i would have thought that it would tkae him more than eight weeks to get over the hard truth and find someone new. apparently he's stronger than i thought he was. or he's more of a male chauvanist pig than i gave him credit for. whatever.

of course, he has no idea of the thoughts running through my head. he pretty much surrendered his privileges of being foremost confidant when he played the "love" card. and i thought he was different. ha.

men. just when you thought you could trust them.

* PS - just so you have an idea of how deeply i feel about the breach of trust - he was the first man (i thought) i could relate to without having to worry about the love angle. he was the first guy i actually considered a pure friend. i guess i was wrong. i gave the male population too much credit. yet again.

moving up?

relationships are tricky things. take mr now. we're friends - there's no question about that. are we good friends? maybe. i'd put him on the same level as my teammates - more or less. (keep in mind that i spend a lot of time with the latter.) are we dating? hm. i think so. but not a very regular basis, i would say. am i being sized up for girlfriend material? lord knows what the guy is thinking in THAT respect. interpret the data for me, please.

spent a night listening to old-school jazz in his favorite weekend pub. other colleagues left early, and we were the only two people left from the group. when the band finished their third and last set, we got up to leave. he has struck up a conversation with an older man, and as i stood next to him, this man started talking to me as well. it so happens that he has friends visiting that weekend, who were in the same venue. he went over to the back room to pay courtesies, left me with the older man - who also asked me to stay, anyway. then meantime guy came back, and asked me to go with him so he can introduce me to his mates. (the older guy tried to detain me again, but of course, he was just teasing.) so i met some of his childhood buddies. then we left, and he walked me to the tube station. once we got near the station, i turned and gave him a good-bye kiss on the cheek, then walked over to the other side of the road.

"it used to be two!" he remarked.

i turned and smiled. "oh, alright." (for the record, it was never two kisses with him.)

i walked back to him and gave him a peck on the other cheek. then summarily turned around and walked into the station without looking back.

the following evening he started chatting me up on instant messenger, and said, "we will have to arrange for that dinner."

"dinner?" i asked.

he was referring to our discussion on the guest bed he and his flatmate have constructed. "it's just too good not to show off," he says.

he was about to scratch the plans when i had asked what he meant about dinner. i expressed interest, and he said he'll have to check his flatmate's schedule. so potential dinner at his place. with or without his flatmate, i do not know.

then there is the movie tomorrow eve. with other friends, of course. it's actually just a spontaneous hang-out together kind of thing. (it was supposed to be for tonight, but it got pushed back for tomorrow.) anyway, we seem to be spending more time together this year. hrm.

could it be that i am moving up the relationship ladder?

again again again...

hay buhay.

after being away from my flat for ten days, i come home to find it in greater disarray than when i left. surprise surprise.

the toilet bowl has evolved from deep yellow to dark brown.

the kitchen - again - has unwashed dishes.

and the bathroom. egads. you do not want to go there.

and may i note that someone has taken over my corner of the tub. the spot where i put my shower necessities. hrmph. this calls for immediate action, i thought.

i shoved aside the bottles invading my space... lo and behold. muck underneath. a good dose of bleach is in order.

the toilet bowl suffered the same fate, i'm afraid.

but the dishes. oh, this is the best.

i took them away and placed them in my flatmate's room.

and she washed them the following day.

ah, sweet victory. (have to give credit to meantime guy. it was his idea.)

slowly but surely, i am cleaning up the flat. again.

i cleared the junk mail from foyer console. (if you can actually call it that. it stores shoes at the bottom.) of course, i had to re-align the furniture. and in the process, i broke an old flourescent bulb that has been sitting there since we moved in. (don't ask my WHY the landlord did not take it out in the first place. or why anyone ELSE hasn't, for that matter.) so, in cleaning up the mess i made, i eventually vacuumed the whole flat. well, the common areas, anyway. toilet, bathroom, kitchen. you would not BELIEVE the amount of ick i had to go through.

that which does not kill you... only makes you grossed out.

i am SO looking forward to living on my own. or with NEATER flatmates.

unreadable

i pride myself in being able to understand (i.e. read) people well. but this guy is just really giving me a run for my money.

yes, it's the guy i've dated over the past few months. mr here-and-now. he is what my friend would call my "meantime" guy. and i think i am his "meantime" gal, as well.

one night, in a pub, admidst beers and loud american pop music, (i think) i heard him say "my wife once called me..."

"your WHAT?!?!" my mind was screaming. either he was drunk, i was deaf, or he was really trying to tell me something. and the irony of it all, he was checking up on my emotional state the night before. (i was suffering from PMS depression, and had a sobbing fit for a while. he saw me at some point.) my heart flip-flopped (literally) and i felt my face getting warm. but he was too preoccupied to notice, thank god.

what is it with me and men??? i always end up with those who are totally wrong for me. and the saddest part is, i fall for them. pretty hard. and though i tell myself to keep things simple, i find myself liking this guy even more each day. some things you never learn.

you want to know what the even bigger irony is? HE was the reason i fell into a depressive fit. but of course, i didn't tell him that. because that would mean admitting he meant more to me than i let on. and as long as he thinks i'm emotionally detached, i'm safe.

he still takes me out for coffee. he still gives me goodbye-kisses on the cheek, when not many people are around.

of course, i still let him.

on dating

presently, i am dating two men. on two different continents. i don't know how it happened. okay, maybe i DO know how it happened. but by no means did i consciously bring about the current situation.

so there is the guy back home. who only verbalised his interest THE DAY I FLEW OUT OF THE COUNTRY. in fact, just three hours before my flight. talk about last minute.

then there is the guy over here. who has not said anything indicative of a move towards a serious relationship (unlike local guy). but from what i see, is still somewhat interested. based on the good-bye kiss on the cheek last monday.

now the dilemma is... do i put one on hold, call one quits, or just keep going? local guy knows about international guy, but not vice versa. i've known the former about half a year longer. but i will be spending more time with the latter in the next six months. and the way things are going... i'm liking the here-and-now guy more and more. but logically, the far-and-away boy is the more stable choice. i'm in quite a pickle here.

i told myself not to expect much from the foreigner. i mean, dating to him (and the likes of him) is not exactly commitment-bound. it's just hanging out with someone you are either 1. attracted to; or 2. comfortable around. i would say it's more the latter than the former. i'm not getting my hopes up, because i don't want my heart shattered.

but of course, the stupid girl in me just keeps falling for him more each day.

why go for someone who will most likely break your heart, when you have someone else willing to wait for you? i suppose it's the allure of the unfamiliar. the attraction of the forbidden. lord knows my parents will have a conniption when they find out i have a caucasian boyfriend. IF that happens. which, again, is entirely up to the boy.

i never thought i'd be in a position where i'd have to choose between two men. (well, there was even a third person, but he really wasn't a choice for me. but i digress.) i guess moving away was all i needed to get my romantic life in high gear.

and i say - full speed ahead.

you cannot escape your fate

oh yes. i am maid for life. (note the pun.)

i left home and a life of cooking and, well, cooking (alright, occasional cleaning) to enter into a life of cooking (for myself), washing (my laundry) and cleaning up after flatmates. oh what joy.

i swear, if i weren't here, the bubonic plague would start recurring in london. starting from our kitchen.

SHE leaves dishes unwashed for a week. and pots and pans, as well. some days, when she's feeling either: a. really industrious; or b. really smart (-assed, as i would put it), she RINSES the GREASY cookware and puts them back on the shelf. way to go, einstein. that will REALLY do the trick.

i never thought i'd have problems with sanitation with a female. then again. she probably grew up being waited on hand and foot. plus she's the youngest in the apartment. not that it's a valid excuse, but it could explain a few things. the boys, in the meantime, are neat, but they don't exert extra effort to keep things under wraps. whereas I, the maid of all maids, clean the kitchen and the bathrooms before they start showing primitive life forms.

i cleaned the whole place (well, almost. did a good job in the kitchen, anyway.) before i went home for a holiday. (which was not actually much of a holiday, but that's another story.) when i came back after three weeks, lo and behold, all my good work undone. unwashed dishes sitting around. AGAIN. oven filled with layers of grease, grime, and lord-knows-what-else.

i did some cosmetic cleaning this afternoon. (just the kitchen, of course. i dare not touch the bathroom anymore.) i leave for germany tomorrow. i shudder to think what state the flat will be in upon my return. definitely not cleaner than when i left it. that is a non-question.

eight more months of this horror. i know i've got super powers, but this is a bit much. please, save me.