my secret powers

one of which is my uncannily good memory. i remember with razor-sharp accuracy particular days, moments, events. it's a curse sometimes. remembering isn't always good.

i remember how he looked the first time i saw him. he was much thinner then. i remember the shirt he wore - it was a striped light blue and yellow button-down shirt. and light brown corduroy pants. i remember where he was seated - across the table, two seats to my left. i remember to whom he was talking - my then-flatmate. i remember what i was doing; i remember what he said; i remember how we left. i remember thinking he was cute. and interesting. and probably much older than i was, at least four years.

i remember the first time we actually spoke to each other. i remember who we were with, what we were doing, and where we were. i remember almost every conversation we had. especially the first few. i remember thinking this guy is special.

i remember the first time we went out. i remember every single date, every walk we took, every show we saw, every exhibition we visited. i remember the first time he kissed me - where, when, how. i remember thinking this could be something beautiful.

i remember the first time i felt hurt. he kept shutting me out of his life. for the longest time, it would seem as if he weren't interested. or at least, not much. then he'd be back, we'd have our moments. and then he would disappear again.

i remember how i finally got fed up that one time he disappeared. i told him to shape up or ship out. i remember the exact spot where it happened, underneath the trees of a little Georgian square. he apologised. he shaped up. and i fell too easily.

i remember thinking he's changed so much from the first time we met. and that i like the change.

then things started falling apart. i started falling apart. and - a rare moment - i don't remember exactly how. perhaps it was because my brain turned to mush that time. i remember resentment building up; i felt i had given so much only to receive so little. everything else in my life was going wrong, and i needed someone to help me. i wanted him to help me. i expected him to help me. but he didn't. i remember feeling so lost and alone and so angry. i remember the hurt and frustration and helplessness. and i remember abandonment.

i got upset at the smallest things. and he would react negatively as well. no hugs, no reassurances, nothing. and i remember saying the most hurtful words i could think of - after all i have done for you, this is what i get. i should have known better than to expect anything from you.

i was there for him when he needed me. more than i should have been. he wasn't there when i needed him. and he will never be, despite all the promises.

when my life was falling apart, he kept telling me that if there is any way he could help... he probably said it six times, on six different occasions. but he hardly delivered once. and when i was on the verge of breaking down, i would ask him - no, tell him - how to help. and he would say - bloody hell, no feckin' way.

i remember how he broke my heart. all the promises he made came rushing back to me, empty. i remember thinking of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". i wanted to forget. i wanted to not have known him at all. for the first time in my life, i would rather not have loved. and i was in the middle of another crisis, to boot. he had impeccable timing.

by the end of the week we were back in each other's arms. how long it takes me to forget is inversely proportional to how fast i can forgive.

i remember so much more after that, i can go on forever. arguing, making up, going away, coming back, saying goodbye. i wished so often that time would stand still, but it never did.

the memory of him will always be a part of me. and perhaps, one day, it won't hurt as much. it might not even hurt at all.

but for the meantime - i remember. every. single. thing.