it makes me sick

looking for an architectural job. i know, i know, this is the profession i got myself into. but that doesn't mean i have to love it. or at least, not all of it.

i was just browsing through my weblinks of recruitment companies in the city i left. while i looked through the job placements available... this strong abhorrence rose in the very core of me. i skim the ads and i absolutely LOATHE the things i've read. i sneer and think "sure, what are the chances that i'll get hired by YOU?"

part of the reason i hate the profession is because i know i'm not good enough. i am not made for this kind of shit. i can appreciate good architecture when i see it. but i can't make good architecture. and in a world where competition is main storyline - well, i can't compete. not. a. chance. especially not in a developed society. especially when i come from the backwaters of the developing world.

i cringe at the words "design flair" and "post-qualification experience" and "strong visual communication skills" - not me, not me, not me. so what kinds of jobs are left? architectural technician. also known as CAD-monkey. nothankyou.

you know what the saddest thing about this is? people feel that it will be a waste if i decide to change careers. ten years of architecture down the drain. ten years of blood, sweat and more than enough tears to last ten lifetimes. but they don't realise - ten years is a pretty good price to pay if the other option is a lifetime of misery. which i know it will be.

i was born to write. i was born to think. these are my gifts. and to deny me the chance to use them - and have fun doing it - is to deny me a chance to live. or at least, to live as i ought.