well, not exactly. but at least to live where super inday has not lived before. it's time to start a new life, and what better way than to go into uncharted territory. this time, it's closer to the motherland. just three hours away.
in a land infested with a similar breed, super inday will have to prove that she is the ULTIMATE, uh, specimen (?) of her class. her biggest challenge will come in half a year's time... when she has to deal with... the PAMANGKIN. (cue sinister music/thunder.)
will super inday make it in this land of bad english and ridiculously greasy-spicy food? will she finally be happy? will she be able to let go of the past, satisfied to never again venture beyond the tropic of cancer? shall she finally retire as the only domestic helper with a graduate degree?
abangan...
28 November 2006
22 November 2006
super ex-girlfriend
when i was still living in that island 6,000+ miles away, i saw a movie poster with uma thurman (i think). the title was "my super (ex-)girlfriend", and the tagline was "warning: breaking a superhero's heart can be dangerous to your health". irony of all ironies, i saw the billboard on the way to the boy's flat. it doesn't get better than that.
the only reason i haven't done serious damage is because we are one continent apart right now. which, by the way, is also the reason we broke up. oh, the bitter contradictions that characterise my life.
spent the afternoon putting together my scrapbook of the past year. i'm only halfway through, but the dull ache in my chest made me stop. i have to unload. there are just too many damn memories that i'd much rather not remember right now.
he tried to get in touch with me last night. i think i logged off before he could actually send a message. it was late, i was tired, and the maternal figure was hovering over my shoulder. not exactly the best circumstances to chat with your ex-boyfriend. (i have to admit, i was tempted to buzz him first, but i summarily dismissed the idea once my super hearing detected mother's footsteps moving towards me.) how long we will play this online cat and mouse game is anyone's guess. some days i'm okay. other days i'm blogging.
right now i've given up on love. i've given up on relationships. i've given up on the hope of finding someone who will be perfect for me. someone better than the last one.
i guess that's the fate of superheroes. as they say, it's lonely at the top.
the only reason i haven't done serious damage is because we are one continent apart right now. which, by the way, is also the reason we broke up. oh, the bitter contradictions that characterise my life.
spent the afternoon putting together my scrapbook of the past year. i'm only halfway through, but the dull ache in my chest made me stop. i have to unload. there are just too many damn memories that i'd much rather not remember right now.
he tried to get in touch with me last night. i think i logged off before he could actually send a message. it was late, i was tired, and the maternal figure was hovering over my shoulder. not exactly the best circumstances to chat with your ex-boyfriend. (i have to admit, i was tempted to buzz him first, but i summarily dismissed the idea once my super hearing detected mother's footsteps moving towards me.) how long we will play this online cat and mouse game is anyone's guess. some days i'm okay. other days i'm blogging.
right now i've given up on love. i've given up on relationships. i've given up on the hope of finding someone who will be perfect for me. someone better than the last one.
i guess that's the fate of superheroes. as they say, it's lonely at the top.
20 November 2006
almost doesn't count
they say that recovering from a break-up takes half the length of the relationship. in that case, i should be alright by the end of 2006. except that christmas season isn't exactly the most unemotionally charged time of the year. so perhaps i will be alright by the end of january 2007.
i suppose the hardest part is knowing that we could have had something really beautiful. but circumstances just didn't allow that to happen. truth be told, he is not the great love of my life. but he could have been.
he's never been in love. and i'm not quite sure if he is capable of falling in love. of all his ex-girlfriends, i think i got the farthest in that respect. i almost made him love me.
almost.
i suppose the hardest part is knowing that we could have had something really beautiful. but circumstances just didn't allow that to happen. truth be told, he is not the great love of my life. but he could have been.
he's never been in love. and i'm not quite sure if he is capable of falling in love. of all his ex-girlfriends, i think i got the farthest in that respect. i almost made him love me.
almost.
14 November 2006
my secret powers
one of which is my uncannily good memory. i remember with razor-sharp accuracy particular days, moments, events. it's a curse sometimes. remembering isn't always good.
i remember how he looked the first time i saw him. he was much thinner then. i remember the shirt he wore - it was a striped light blue and yellow button-down shirt. and light brown corduroy pants. i remember where he was seated - across the table, two seats to my left. i remember to whom he was talking - my then-flatmate. i remember what i was doing; i remember what he said; i remember how we left. i remember thinking he was cute. and interesting. and probably much older than i was, at least four years.
i remember the first time we actually spoke to each other. i remember who we were with, what we were doing, and where we were. i remember almost every conversation we had. especially the first few. i remember thinking this guy is special.
i remember the first time we went out. i remember every single date, every walk we took, every show we saw, every exhibition we visited. i remember the first time he kissed me - where, when, how. i remember thinking this could be something beautiful.
i remember the first time i felt hurt. he kept shutting me out of his life. for the longest time, it would seem as if he weren't interested. or at least, not much. then he'd be back, we'd have our moments. and then he would disappear again.
i remember how i finally got fed up that one time he disappeared. i told him to shape up or ship out. i remember the exact spot where it happened, underneath the trees of a little Georgian square. he apologised. he shaped up. and i fell too easily.
i remember thinking he's changed so much from the first time we met. and that i like the change.
then things started falling apart. i started falling apart. and - a rare moment - i don't remember exactly how. perhaps it was because my brain turned to mush that time. i remember resentment building up; i felt i had given so much only to receive so little. everything else in my life was going wrong, and i needed someone to help me. i wanted him to help me. i expected him to help me. but he didn't. i remember feeling so lost and alone and so angry. i remember the hurt and frustration and helplessness. and i remember abandonment.
i got upset at the smallest things. and he would react negatively as well. no hugs, no reassurances, nothing. and i remember saying the most hurtful words i could think of - after all i have done for you, this is what i get. i should have known better than to expect anything from you.
i was there for him when he needed me. more than i should have been. he wasn't there when i needed him. and he will never be, despite all the promises.
when my life was falling apart, he kept telling me that if there is any way he could help... he probably said it six times, on six different occasions. but he hardly delivered once. and when i was on the verge of breaking down, i would ask him - no, tell him - how to help. and he would say - bloody hell, no feckin' way.
i remember how he broke my heart. all the promises he made came rushing back to me, empty. i remember thinking of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". i wanted to forget. i wanted to not have known him at all. for the first time in my life, i would rather not have loved. and i was in the middle of another crisis, to boot. he had impeccable timing.
by the end of the week we were back in each other's arms. how long it takes me to forget is inversely proportional to how fast i can forgive.
i remember so much more after that, i can go on forever. arguing, making up, going away, coming back, saying goodbye. i wished so often that time would stand still, but it never did.
the memory of him will always be a part of me. and perhaps, one day, it won't hurt as much. it might not even hurt at all.
but for the meantime - i remember. every. single. thing.
i remember how he looked the first time i saw him. he was much thinner then. i remember the shirt he wore - it was a striped light blue and yellow button-down shirt. and light brown corduroy pants. i remember where he was seated - across the table, two seats to my left. i remember to whom he was talking - my then-flatmate. i remember what i was doing; i remember what he said; i remember how we left. i remember thinking he was cute. and interesting. and probably much older than i was, at least four years.
i remember the first time we actually spoke to each other. i remember who we were with, what we were doing, and where we were. i remember almost every conversation we had. especially the first few. i remember thinking this guy is special.
i remember the first time we went out. i remember every single date, every walk we took, every show we saw, every exhibition we visited. i remember the first time he kissed me - where, when, how. i remember thinking this could be something beautiful.
i remember the first time i felt hurt. he kept shutting me out of his life. for the longest time, it would seem as if he weren't interested. or at least, not much. then he'd be back, we'd have our moments. and then he would disappear again.
i remember how i finally got fed up that one time he disappeared. i told him to shape up or ship out. i remember the exact spot where it happened, underneath the trees of a little Georgian square. he apologised. he shaped up. and i fell too easily.
i remember thinking he's changed so much from the first time we met. and that i like the change.
then things started falling apart. i started falling apart. and - a rare moment - i don't remember exactly how. perhaps it was because my brain turned to mush that time. i remember resentment building up; i felt i had given so much only to receive so little. everything else in my life was going wrong, and i needed someone to help me. i wanted him to help me. i expected him to help me. but he didn't. i remember feeling so lost and alone and so angry. i remember the hurt and frustration and helplessness. and i remember abandonment.
i got upset at the smallest things. and he would react negatively as well. no hugs, no reassurances, nothing. and i remember saying the most hurtful words i could think of - after all i have done for you, this is what i get. i should have known better than to expect anything from you.
i was there for him when he needed me. more than i should have been. he wasn't there when i needed him. and he will never be, despite all the promises.
when my life was falling apart, he kept telling me that if there is any way he could help... he probably said it six times, on six different occasions. but he hardly delivered once. and when i was on the verge of breaking down, i would ask him - no, tell him - how to help. and he would say - bloody hell, no feckin' way.
i remember how he broke my heart. all the promises he made came rushing back to me, empty. i remember thinking of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". i wanted to forget. i wanted to not have known him at all. for the first time in my life, i would rather not have loved. and i was in the middle of another crisis, to boot. he had impeccable timing.
by the end of the week we were back in each other's arms. how long it takes me to forget is inversely proportional to how fast i can forgive.
i remember so much more after that, i can go on forever. arguing, making up, going away, coming back, saying goodbye. i wished so often that time would stand still, but it never did.
the memory of him will always be a part of me. and perhaps, one day, it won't hurt as much. it might not even hurt at all.
but for the meantime - i remember. every. single. thing.
11 November 2006
super inday is...
bored. she need to go out or brain die. brain not working right.
disconnected. friends not available. friends not be found. friends probably not real friends.
restless. she want to go back to cold, foggy city. she want music, theatre, art galleries, parks. accessible public transport. abililty to get somewhere without risk of dying in process.
unemployed. she need money! money make world go round. money make life tolerable. money make you less bored, less restless, and maybe can buy new friends!
waiting. nobody to save this time. nobody but herself. she tired of saving lives. she want her own life now. but own life put on hold too long, she not know how to live anymore. thinking when life is going to begin. scared it already did and she missed the ride.
sad. people forget. but she remember. people hurt and hide. but she hide the hurt and go on. people do not realise superheroes also need hug. superhero not so super after all.
disconnected. friends not available. friends not be found. friends probably not real friends.
restless. she want to go back to cold, foggy city. she want music, theatre, art galleries, parks. accessible public transport. abililty to get somewhere without risk of dying in process.
unemployed. she need money! money make world go round. money make life tolerable. money make you less bored, less restless, and maybe can buy new friends!
waiting. nobody to save this time. nobody but herself. she tired of saving lives. she want her own life now. but own life put on hold too long, she not know how to live anymore. thinking when life is going to begin. scared it already did and she missed the ride.
sad. people forget. but she remember. people hurt and hide. but she hide the hurt and go on. people do not realise superheroes also need hug. superhero not so super after all.
03 November 2006
the world's best break-up
actually. it may not even be considered a break-up, but more of just a good-bye. the break-up per se is more of a mess. because now i have spent more time thinking about (ie. dwelling on) it, and it pisses me off to high heavens how much of a jerk he is.
we parted ways more than civilly enough. it was a good-bye with no hard feelings. things happen, circumstances change, people move away. we just grin and bear it. i did. he did. everything is rosey. we both think that we won't see each other for quite some time. he believes he won't see me until - well, he said when he was bald and gray. fair enough.
call it female intuition, but i had a feeling i will be returning to the land of fog soon enough. and i let him know that.
he rejects the idea.
on the basis that he thinks i'm going back FOR HIM.
GIVE.
ME.
A.
BREAK.
life is not all about YOU, mister. truth be told, you would be the last person on earth to find out whether or not i return to that miserable city i left you in. that's what i thought, a few months back when you made me an emotional wreck. as you are doing AGAIN. and may i say, for the last time.
super inday take no shit from no man. no way.
so, take your stupid opinions and shove them up your arse. because it's time i do things my way. for the betterment of myself.
i'm not out to save the world. and least of all, you. it may have happened once, but you just got lucky. trust me, honey. it ain't happening again. especially after all that shit you put me through. not on your life.
you can bet on that. or my name isn't super inday.
we parted ways more than civilly enough. it was a good-bye with no hard feelings. things happen, circumstances change, people move away. we just grin and bear it. i did. he did. everything is rosey. we both think that we won't see each other for quite some time. he believes he won't see me until - well, he said when he was bald and gray. fair enough.
call it female intuition, but i had a feeling i will be returning to the land of fog soon enough. and i let him know that.
he rejects the idea.
on the basis that he thinks i'm going back FOR HIM.
GIVE.
ME.
A.
BREAK.
life is not all about YOU, mister. truth be told, you would be the last person on earth to find out whether or not i return to that miserable city i left you in. that's what i thought, a few months back when you made me an emotional wreck. as you are doing AGAIN. and may i say, for the last time.
super inday take no shit from no man. no way.
so, take your stupid opinions and shove them up your arse. because it's time i do things my way. for the betterment of myself.
i'm not out to save the world. and least of all, you. it may have happened once, but you just got lucky. trust me, honey. it ain't happening again. especially after all that shit you put me through. not on your life.
you can bet on that. or my name isn't super inday.
01 November 2006
i will survive.
so now i'm back. from outer space.
i have not died or given up on my career. it was just put on hold for a while. as was the posting.
but i have regained my status as official kusinera of the household. today, the day i returned to the motherland - and to the father's castle. by dictate of her majesty the queen of the house.
does life get ANY better than this?
i have not died or given up on my career. it was just put on hold for a while. as was the posting.
but i have regained my status as official kusinera of the household. today, the day i returned to the motherland - and to the father's castle. by dictate of her majesty the queen of the house.
does life get ANY better than this?
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