manic-depressive

or, in today's politically-correct nomenclature, bi-polar. most days i get by acting, looking, feeling normal. but some days it just isn't that easy.

writing used to be therapy for me. maybe i'm getting a bit crazier because i've stopped penning my thoughts in ink (or kilobytes, for that matter). but the thing is, these days i seem to have more things filling my life that i have no time to write. or do i?

last night i reached a periodic low. feeling sad that i spent friday and saturday nights alone at home. now that my job doesn't require me to stay until bedtime, i have nothing to fill the extra hours with. and it makes me sad that i can't find something to do. nay, someone to do them with. the obvious answer would be the boyfriend. but that doesn't help if he's 1,000 miles away.

yes, i have a boyfriend. and i love him terribly. but sometimes i wonder if he's the one i should be with for the rest of my life. i wonder if there's someone better out there. someone more compatible. don't get me wrong, we get along great. but some days i wish he weren't such a dork. and maybe a bit emotionally needy. *sigh*

i know he loves me. and he'll never do anything to hurt me. and maybe - just maybe - he's the one who loves me more than anyone else can. but the question now is - do i love him the same way? sadly enough, i'll have to say no. i love him, but in my heart of hearts i don't think of him as mr perfect. or mr right. he's just... mr right now.

which is why i asked for a break. a time-out. i told him that i'm not sure committing to this relationsihp was the right decision on my part. i know i hurt him. yet again. but i would rather tell the truth than make him think everything is alright.

my head hurts from all this thinking. i wish i knew what life would bring X years down the road. right now, i just can't seem to make up my mind. i don't want to make the tough choices.