it makes me sick

looking for an architectural job. i know, i know, this is the profession i got myself into. but that doesn't mean i have to love it. or at least, not all of it.

i was just browsing through my weblinks of recruitment companies in the city i left. while i looked through the job placements available... this strong abhorrence rose in the very core of me. i skim the ads and i absolutely LOATHE the things i've read. i sneer and think "sure, what are the chances that i'll get hired by YOU?"

part of the reason i hate the profession is because i know i'm not good enough. i am not made for this kind of shit. i can appreciate good architecture when i see it. but i can't make good architecture. and in a world where competition is main storyline - well, i can't compete. not. a. chance. especially not in a developed society. especially when i come from the backwaters of the developing world.

i cringe at the words "design flair" and "post-qualification experience" and "strong visual communication skills" - not me, not me, not me. so what kinds of jobs are left? architectural technician. also known as CAD-monkey. nothankyou.

you know what the saddest thing about this is? people feel that it will be a waste if i decide to change careers. ten years of architecture down the drain. ten years of blood, sweat and more than enough tears to last ten lifetimes. but they don't realise - ten years is a pretty good price to pay if the other option is a lifetime of misery. which i know it will be.

i was born to write. i was born to think. these are my gifts. and to deny me the chance to use them - and have fun doing it - is to deny me a chance to live. or at least, to live as i ought.

hay buhay.

mukhang binenta na ako ng isang unano dyan. kainis. paano na, kilala na ninyo sino si super inday?!?! hindi ko na maaring gamitin ang blog na ito upang magreklamo, mang-asar, magdrama at manggulo.

ngayo'y bisperas ng pasko, ngunit hindi ko nararamdaman ang kasiyahan ng panahon. baka dahil masyado lang akong nag-iisip, at walang magawang nakakawili.

malamig sa londres ngayon. hindi ko lang alam kung mas mararamdaman ko yun pasko doon. pero alam kong gusto kong maranasan ang pasko na wala ako sa maynila, kahit isang beses lang. parang walang kabuluhan ang ika-25 ng disyembre dito sa bahay. hindi ko lang alam bakit. nakakalungkot, pero ganun talaga ang buhay namin.

matatapos na yun taon, at parang walang nagbago dito habang nawala ako. sa loob-loob ko, ayoko talaga manatili sa maynila, o kaya sa pilipinas. hindi naman sa mahirap ang buhay ko dito... ngunit, hindi talaga ako masaya. baka masama na talaga paningin ko sa bansang ito, sa bahay na ito, sa buhay ko dito, kaya gusto kong lumipat. kelangan ko ng malaking pagbabago. hindi ko alam kung paano ko ilarawan sa inyo... basta't nararamdaman ko lang, may kulang ang buhay ko dito. hindi hiyang sa akin ang buhay maynila. hindi ko kayang manatili dito ng matagal. lulubha lang ang kalungkutan ko.

sa tingin ko, pag-alis ko ng pilipinas sa enero.... hindi na ako babalik dito uli. hanggang bakasyon lang. at kahit yon ay madalang mangyayari, kung ako ang masusunod. panahon na para magkaroon ako ng buhay sa labas ng maynila. panahon na para magkaroon ako ng sariling buhay.

what now?

i seem to be plagued by this question more persistently now than ever before.

i am three years away from hitting my third decade of existence. i have just finished my graduate degree, and i have just gotten back from living abroad. like it or not, acknowledged or not, i am now a full-grown adult. and any decision i make is going to set the course of my life for the next few months at least, if not years.

so now what?

essentially, i am faced with two basic decisions. to stay, or to go.

earlier i had wished stay in europe and build my future there. but entire graduate school experience has proven to be a bit too harsh, and i needed to come home and regain some balance in my life. i convinced myself that i should plant my roots closer to home.

now i am rethinking that strategy.

living in a cosmopolitan city-state along the equator, far enough from home, is well and good. but will it satisfy me? my inner being says no. i decided to come back to asia because i had enough of european snobbery. i thought being in my home turf will serve me better. at least i will not be treated as a second-rate citizen. but is that what is really important to me? truth be told - nobody can make me feel bad about myself unless i allow them to. it is one of the painful lessons i have learned of late, and maybe i didn't learn it soon enough.

there is this longing in my heart to go back to that land where i discovered myself. where i am not who everyone else wants me to be, but who i truly am. unfettered, uninhibited, unspoilt. where i can enjoy exhibitions and theatre and opera and classical concerts. where i can walk in the park in the middle of the day if i need to clear my head. where life is not just about shopping malls and traffic jams and television.

perhaps i am clinging too much to the past. circumstances have led me back here, and i had no strength of will to fight it any longer. i have accepted it as my lot in life.

i've sold out.

perhaps i've given up on the idea of happily ever after.

but i haven't forgotten what could be. and as long as i have that memory, my heart will forever be restless.