*sigh*

i think i'm falling in love again. and this time, i think it's for real. for good. forever.

maybe i'm being a silly hopeless romantic. maybe i'm diving off the deep end again. after all, we've only been seeing each other for two weeks. and now i'm on the other side of the south china sea. who's to say that this will work out? odds are against it, if you look at the physical evidence. but i think i've already started banking on its success. i want this one to work out. i really do.

maybe i'm getting old. maybe i'm tired of looking around. maybe i've had enough of heartbreak. all i know is, none of my previous relationships have ever felt so... un-doomed. then again, all my previous relationships were pretty much against socially-acceptable norms (according to my family).

although we agreed to keep an open mind about our relationship - to not block out the possibility of finding someone else - i'm inclined to put all my efforts into making this one last. i know i said i don't want to commit, i don't want to tie myself down by being exclusive... but to be honest, i want to. i want to be only with him, and not with anyone else. i guess you can say i've found 'the one'. but i know myself well enough to say that it might just be the 'honeymoon phase' - that time during the start of a relationship when everything seems rosey and you can't get enough of the man you're with. so i'm thinking i should give myself some time. perhaps someone else will come along. who knows? i've been surprised more than once in my life.

but - cliche as it may sound - i've never felt this way before. which is why i think this is it. and the irony of it all is... i met him over twelve years ago.

peripatetic

\pair-uh-puh-TET-ik\ adjective

1 capitalized : Aristotelian
2 a : of, relating to, or given to walking *b : moving or traveling from place to place : itinerant

i think this is what i'll be in the coming year.

time out

from a time out. or, what was SUPPOSED to be a time out.

i can't believe i'm going to start work on wednesday. i've hardly done anything here at home - well, except for the surf trip (which was summarily cut short due to the maid situation) - and now i'm already leaving. so now i'm having second thoughts about starting work the day after i arrive in my new old city. given that i hardly had a vacation while i was here. but what the hell - i need to get income sooner rather than later. and i figured a change in tasks should be good for me. laundry and cooking and dishwashing not exactly good for career growth.

but we're straying from the point. the point is, i hardly had a vacation and i've hardly done what i wanted here in my hometown. and i'm already leaving in four days. oh what a life.

this is why i have to live on my own, in some city not accessible to my family within an hour's travel. preferably in a different time zone. and this is why, for at least once in my life, i'd like to come home without my family having to know about it.

super inday forever

it's official. my role in life (at least, when it comes to my family) is to be substitute maid.

i come home from my surfing weekend to find a house without any of the househelp. actually, i was commanded to come home earlier BECAUSE of the want for household help. ce'st la vie.

so the past week i have been taking care of the laundry and the meals and the overall state of the house. i feel that i am more of the matron of the household than the actual matron. on the bright side, mother - for the first time in my entire lifelong bondage - has complimented me on my good job at putting everything in order for my sister + brother-in-law + niece's arrival. and she attributes it to my independence in the island i now call home. shyeah, right.

for the first time in my entire housekeeping career, i actually felt like a housewife. yesterday, at least. when everyone left the house and i got a bit of peace and quiet, i was relieved. nay, i was glad to be rid of them and have the chance to attend to business on my own, sometimes of my own. i think i am beginning to understand where term 'desperate housewives' came from.

mother is beginning to seem worse for the wear. either that, or she's just less inclined to put some back into tackling the house chores. maybe a bit of both. she's always prioritised her career before her family. which does wonders for her relationships with her daughters, but we're not going into that. (but since i've started on it, let's just say that there's a bit of chicken-and-egg thing going on with that.)

i am beginning to see why friends have voted me as having most mother potential. but at the same time, i'm not ready to go that far just yet.

i'm single and happy, thankyouverymuch.

it's complicated.

the catchphrase of all my romantic relationships. far be it for me to start changing now. creature of habit, i am.

they say love catches you when you least expect it. i suppose it's true. except that i'm not quite sure if this is love. and by love i mean romance.

we've known each other for almost half our lifetimes. in a way, you could say he's my best friend. he knows me as well as - or even better than - any other person i know. maybe that's why it's difficult to go beyond the present circumstances.

he loves me. and i love him. but somehow... there's just something in the way. something we both feel, but we can't quite define. and i guess, something we can't quite overcome.

we've loved each other for some time, in different ways. i've loved him as a friend, sometimes as a brother, some days as a confidant. through the years, our relationship has grown. and recently, it seems to be growing even more.

then today i woke up and i realised... i'm falling. for the man who has loved me from the day we first met.