new fashion find!

methinks i should stop surfing... and shopping...

manic-depressive

or, in today's politically-correct nomenclature, bi-polar. most days i get by acting, looking, feeling normal. but some days it just isn't that easy.

writing used to be therapy for me. maybe i'm getting a bit crazier because i've stopped penning my thoughts in ink (or kilobytes, for that matter). but the thing is, these days i seem to have more things filling my life that i have no time to write. or do i?

last night i reached a periodic low. feeling sad that i spent friday and saturday nights alone at home. now that my job doesn't require me to stay until bedtime, i have nothing to fill the extra hours with. and it makes me sad that i can't find something to do. nay, someone to do them with. the obvious answer would be the boyfriend. but that doesn't help if he's 1,000 miles away.

yes, i have a boyfriend. and i love him terribly. but sometimes i wonder if he's the one i should be with for the rest of my life. i wonder if there's someone better out there. someone more compatible. don't get me wrong, we get along great. but some days i wish he weren't such a dork. and maybe a bit emotionally needy. *sigh*

i know he loves me. and he'll never do anything to hurt me. and maybe - just maybe - he's the one who loves me more than anyone else can. but the question now is - do i love him the same way? sadly enough, i'll have to say no. i love him, but in my heart of hearts i don't think of him as mr perfect. or mr right. he's just... mr right now.

which is why i asked for a break. a time-out. i told him that i'm not sure committing to this relationsihp was the right decision on my part. i know i hurt him. yet again. but i would rather tell the truth than make him think everything is alright.

my head hurts from all this thinking. i wish i knew what life would bring X years down the road. right now, i just can't seem to make up my mind. i don't want to make the tough choices.

*sigh*

i think i'm falling in love again. and this time, i think it's for real. for good. forever.

maybe i'm being a silly hopeless romantic. maybe i'm diving off the deep end again. after all, we've only been seeing each other for two weeks. and now i'm on the other side of the south china sea. who's to say that this will work out? odds are against it, if you look at the physical evidence. but i think i've already started banking on its success. i want this one to work out. i really do.

maybe i'm getting old. maybe i'm tired of looking around. maybe i've had enough of heartbreak. all i know is, none of my previous relationships have ever felt so... un-doomed. then again, all my previous relationships were pretty much against socially-acceptable norms (according to my family).

although we agreed to keep an open mind about our relationship - to not block out the possibility of finding someone else - i'm inclined to put all my efforts into making this one last. i know i said i don't want to commit, i don't want to tie myself down by being exclusive... but to be honest, i want to. i want to be only with him, and not with anyone else. i guess you can say i've found 'the one'. but i know myself well enough to say that it might just be the 'honeymoon phase' - that time during the start of a relationship when everything seems rosey and you can't get enough of the man you're with. so i'm thinking i should give myself some time. perhaps someone else will come along. who knows? i've been surprised more than once in my life.

but - cliche as it may sound - i've never felt this way before. which is why i think this is it. and the irony of it all is... i met him over twelve years ago.

peripatetic

\pair-uh-puh-TET-ik\ adjective

1 capitalized : Aristotelian
2 a : of, relating to, or given to walking *b : moving or traveling from place to place : itinerant

i think this is what i'll be in the coming year.

time out

from a time out. or, what was SUPPOSED to be a time out.

i can't believe i'm going to start work on wednesday. i've hardly done anything here at home - well, except for the surf trip (which was summarily cut short due to the maid situation) - and now i'm already leaving. so now i'm having second thoughts about starting work the day after i arrive in my new old city. given that i hardly had a vacation while i was here. but what the hell - i need to get income sooner rather than later. and i figured a change in tasks should be good for me. laundry and cooking and dishwashing not exactly good for career growth.

but we're straying from the point. the point is, i hardly had a vacation and i've hardly done what i wanted here in my hometown. and i'm already leaving in four days. oh what a life.

this is why i have to live on my own, in some city not accessible to my family within an hour's travel. preferably in a different time zone. and this is why, for at least once in my life, i'd like to come home without my family having to know about it.

super inday forever

it's official. my role in life (at least, when it comes to my family) is to be substitute maid.

i come home from my surfing weekend to find a house without any of the househelp. actually, i was commanded to come home earlier BECAUSE of the want for household help. ce'st la vie.

so the past week i have been taking care of the laundry and the meals and the overall state of the house. i feel that i am more of the matron of the household than the actual matron. on the bright side, mother - for the first time in my entire lifelong bondage - has complimented me on my good job at putting everything in order for my sister + brother-in-law + niece's arrival. and she attributes it to my independence in the island i now call home. shyeah, right.

for the first time in my entire housekeeping career, i actually felt like a housewife. yesterday, at least. when everyone left the house and i got a bit of peace and quiet, i was relieved. nay, i was glad to be rid of them and have the chance to attend to business on my own, sometimes of my own. i think i am beginning to understand where term 'desperate housewives' came from.

mother is beginning to seem worse for the wear. either that, or she's just less inclined to put some back into tackling the house chores. maybe a bit of both. she's always prioritised her career before her family. which does wonders for her relationships with her daughters, but we're not going into that. (but since i've started on it, let's just say that there's a bit of chicken-and-egg thing going on with that.)

i am beginning to see why friends have voted me as having most mother potential. but at the same time, i'm not ready to go that far just yet.

i'm single and happy, thankyouverymuch.

it's complicated.

the catchphrase of all my romantic relationships. far be it for me to start changing now. creature of habit, i am.

they say love catches you when you least expect it. i suppose it's true. except that i'm not quite sure if this is love. and by love i mean romance.

we've known each other for almost half our lifetimes. in a way, you could say he's my best friend. he knows me as well as - or even better than - any other person i know. maybe that's why it's difficult to go beyond the present circumstances.

he loves me. and i love him. but somehow... there's just something in the way. something we both feel, but we can't quite define. and i guess, something we can't quite overcome.

we've loved each other for some time, in different ways. i've loved him as a friend, sometimes as a brother, some days as a confidant. through the years, our relationship has grown. and recently, it seems to be growing even more.

then today i woke up and i realised... i'm falling. for the man who has loved me from the day we first met.

heads will roll. ROWR!!!!

i called the ministry and find out that the outstanding employment pass was granted on 08 AUGUST 2007. FOUR. FREAKING. MONTHS. AGO. i am so furious i can spontaneously combust!

i am SO going to file a formal complaint against my previous admin manager. lousy *&^%$#@! doesn't even do her job! AND - she was rude and totally un-helpful to my new HR manager! wtf???!!!

bloody. freaking. hell.

even after i've left, the old firm screws things up for me. my new firm is having problems getting my employment pass processed because apparently, i have an approved employment pass waiting for me at the ministry. how much shit do they exactly need me to go through before i can be rid of them? when i think of my previous firm, two words come to mind - dead. weight.

okay. so how did this mess happen? firstly, i did not apply for a new employment pass with any other company. there are only two firms that has paperwork with my signature on it - my previous firm, and my new firm. so, if the new firm is having problems because there is already another active employment pass on the database, it definitely couldn't be them causing the trouble. so it would have to be the dead weight.

now, back in july - SIX FREAKING MONTHS AGO - i applied for an upgrade of my work permit. i have not heard ANY news on the outcome of this permit since. all paperwork related to my employment gets forwarded to my employer. i have no access to any letters from the ministry, except through the administrative people in the office. so, my guess is, the application was approved, the letter got sent, the admin witch kept it to herself and didn't let me know about it. so now i have an employment pass (most likely with my old firm), which has not been collected because i didn't know it existed. and this employment pass whose existence i was unaware of until today is causing problems with the application for my new employment pass with the new - BETTER PAYING - firm. the existing employment pass has to be cancelled before the new employment pass can be processed. it's going to take a few days to sort this out, and this is definitely going to set back my work schedule. *&^%$#@!

i am going to call the ministry tomorrow and find out what exactly is this purported employment pass and when it was granted. if i find out it has been around for over two months, there will be hell to pay. mark my words.

super inday does not suffer fools gladly.

home is where the heartbreak is

one year ago, in this same house, i was nursing a broken heart. i sit at my desk now and see remnants of the parting gift that travelled 16hrs and 6,000 miles to the place i've called home for the past 18years. the gold-lidded glass jar that it came in. the plastic teacup that housed the aloe-cactus plant for three weeks. the plastic spoon that i used to re-pot the gift christened as 'heather'. all that's missing now is the real plant. it died while i was living overseas, a good eight months ago. and along with it died the heartbreak. or the love for the giver. or both.

i realise that this house has seen me go through three heartaches and two troubled relationships. if these walls could talk, my, what stories they would tell. of nights crying into my favourite pillow. (which, incidentally, travels with me to new lodgings.) of heated conversations with my parents. of sulkiness and brooding. this room is a repository of my past. of broken hearts and dreams unfulfilled. it will always be, perhaps, a place associated with sadness.

it's been a year since that fateful phone call. when i realised that he doesn't care about me, and probably never will. and that no amount of manipulation will change the way things are.

i almost got him to fly all the way to my side of the world. but i decided against it, against playing my final card. because deep down inside, i know he won't be coming for me. he'll be coming for himself. and when you're in love with someone so self-absorbed, you will never find any room in his heart for you. no matter how hard you try.

this house will always hold the heartbreaks. but perhaps underneath the pain, it also holds the dreams. the expectations of something better. hopes that led to disappointments in the first place. but hopes nonetheless.

home, bittersweet home.

bored witless

for the first time in a very long time, i have run out of things to do. so now i blog. hah.

i've pretty much finished packing my suitcase. i've put away the necessary things for storage. i've finished reading two stories by f scott fitzgerald. (he's good, by the way.) i've prepared dinner, i've done a bit of laundry, i've arranged for my interview tomorrow.

yes, i have a job interview tomorrow. amazingly enough. talk about buzzer-beaters. my flight was supposed to be yesterday afternoon, at 5pm. interview was originally set for 10am, but has been changed to 2.30pm. and now i'm wondering if i should move my flight to next week, just in case the interview goes well. or i can always just bring all the employment pass documents with me tomorrow, so we can process everything immediately. that's being overly optimistic about it.

getting this job would definitely make my life so much simpler. but i don't want to get ahead of myself again and bank on false hopes. i need to plan my life around the possibility - nay, probability - of not getting this job. otherwise i'd end up even more bored than i am now. and i would be subjected to the family at the same time. heaven forbid.

here's to waiting for miracles to happen. and living in reality.

here we go again...

i definitely have a preference for caucasian men. and i think they also have a preference for me.

case 1. at the gym. i passed by the exercise studio and caucasian male in kickboxing class made eye contact. immediately after, he put more back into his punches. i found it amusing, but didn't stay to watch. went for my shower, and when i got out, i passed by the studio. again, eye contact. this time, he definitely smiled at me. passed by one last time on my way out. final look and smile. too bad i had to go for a lunch appointment. he might have tried to get my number.

case 2. brit visiting for conference. knew him from a year back, but didn't expect to see him again. amazingly, he remembers me. or it could be the name badge. but i definitely looked familiar to him, and he called me by name without looking at the badge. unless he's got really good vision. anyway. i invited him to dinner with friends, who were in the city for the same reason. had quite a good time over the next few days. hung around each other for a bit. i definitely find him cute. and i think he's attracted as well. went clubbing saturday night, and basically i avoided dancing with him. simply because i'm attracted to him. (don't ask.) but he kept throwing looks my way. oh, and he got my number earlier. not that it would have any use, because he's back in london now. *sigh*

i am DEFINITELY into this guy. but again. he's six thousand miles away. the things i get myself into.

why or why not

why i love my profession

1. ?
   
2. ??
3. ???

why i hate my profession

1. most of the famous icons are egomaniacal assholes who don't care a whit about the rest of the world.
2. most of the clients are egomaniacal assholes with too much money and too little taste. and they don't care a whit about the rest of the world.
3. sooner or later, you end up becoming an egomaniacal asshole simply by association. or at least, your moral standards progressively decline.
4. you spend innumerable hours chasing deadlines, whereby at some point everything becomes moot and academic because you have to revise drawings one million times before anything gets built.
5. i have never been comfortable with the work involved. in fact, i suck at it.

why i tolerate the shit involved in my job

1. it involves pretty things. looking at good design is always uplifting.
2. once in a while, you get a chance to do something interesting or exciting.
   
3. it pays the bills and gives me something to do.

i think the conclusion is quite clear. and yet, somehow, i can't seem to let go.

the evils of social networking sites

gaaah.

my ex is on facebook.

him. the self-confessed anti-social of the century. on facebook.

excuse me, satan, but what is the ambient temperature you are experiencing? because i believe hell has frozen over.

i'll admit, i tried to search for him about a week back. i came up with half a dozen people with the same name, but i know they're not him because of 1. the photo, 2. the location / hometown. and i figured he'll never do anything like use a social networking webbie, with ridiculous applications such as vampires and werewolves. (i mean, seriously, come ON! how juvenile can you get???)

and when i wasn't looking, BAM!!!

his name came up on my updates page. one of my grad school classmates is now friends with xxx. i couldn't help myself. i clicked on the link. and sure enough, it was him. (who else could it be? we were all classmates over a year ago.) i have to say, he looks pretty miserable on his photo. hah!

now, the question is - to poke or not to poke? to send message or not to send message?? to add as a friend or not to add??? (oh man, i can just imagine what kind of relationship detail to put. 'you dated in 2006 but it didn't work out and you are ready to kill each other now.' heh.)

it took all (well, almost all) of my self-control not to do any of the above. i'm pretty proud of myself now, i have to say. if he wants to look for me, add me as a friend or whatever, he will. not that it will happen anytime soon. chances are i'll give in before he even has an inkling of how to search out people, much less have any inclination to look me up.

i told myself that i need to preserve my pride this time around. i will pretend i didn't see him on that blasted creation, the bane of my existence. or that i have more important things to do than check my facebook account every other day.

yeah, right.

nothing doing.

as of today, i am officially unemployed. although this is already week four of not going in to work. mind you, i haven't been idle. the days have passed so fast, i actually feel cheated. week one, mom came over. week two, i went to indonesia. week three, dad came over. (don't ask why they had to come separately.) now, week four, i have a conference to attend at the national university. and i have friends coming over (because of the conference). so basically, my days have been quite full, and it should come as no surprise that i haven't figured out the rest of my life yet. or that i have not done as much packing as i should have.

my suitcase is now three-quarters full, and i've only packed maybe half of my belongings. HELP!!!

i'll probably leave a lot of my things at my sister's place, for collection at a later date. but the mere thought of having to PACK them stresses me out. and deciding what to take and what to leave behind. *sigh* oh. and did i tell you that this is the fourth time i'm moving in little over a year??? across three countries and two continents, no less. it doesn't get any easier, i tell you. especially when, each time you leave home, you think it's for the long haul.

here's to living out of suitcases and packing boxes.

daddy short-legs

for lack of a better moniker. he doesn't have long legs. in fact, i've outgrown him ten years ago. though he wouldn't admit it then.

he is in town, and he wants to have a talk about my 'career'. not that there's much left to talk about. he wants me to keep going the difficult - and in my opinion, totally unfulfilling and un-worthwhile - path. too early to quit, you're just starting, etc etc etc. yes yes yes. but you see, the point is not that my career is going too slow for my own liking. my career is not to my own liking. there is a big difference.

no news from the publishers / editors. there goes my last chance. i will have to transplant myself yet again. (third time in little over twelve months, good grief.) i'm sure someone is having a good laugh at my expense. i just wonder who, and why exactly it's funny. i suppose if you draw dotted lines across the world map of where i've been the past 54 weeks, it would look a bit interesting. still a few gaps i'd like to fill. oh okay, my life hasn't been so bad. but i just hate being in a state of limbo and having everyone breathe down my neck about it.

which brings us to the next point. i shall be transplanting myself back home. i suppose i can explore moving to some other multi-cultural global city, but to be honest, i'm quite 'transplanted' out. i thought i could actually start growing roots in my current city, but i guess the universe thought otherwise. can't argue with every other matter in existence, now, can we?

so, to home, and beyond!

(now if only i can stay so positive when i'm around naggy relatives.)

super inday returns

the long-awaited (?) sequel to super inday's story. not that she really had much of a story the first time around. but yes, people. your friendly neighbourhood domestic helper is back. with a vengeance. (you can ask me to stop making references to movies anytime.)

in this chapter of super inday's adventures, she forays into the uncharted waters of... media publications. *shudder* will she survive on half her current pay? will she have to forgo dinners out and saturday night social drinking in exchange for actually having personal time? will she have to *gasp* STOP SHOPPING??? (and just when she started updating her wardrobe, too.)

stay tuned to find out more...

coming up next - the house-cleaning.

unlocked.

okay. i am finally opening this blog to public access. not that i have a lot of readers left. i haven't been blogging for half a year, after all. i just thought that now is as good a time as any.

of course, sister had to ask about my blog when she saw me checking out my friends' blogs. i haven't decided to revive the blog just yet, so she doesn't need to know.

the blog bug bit me while i was updating my multiply site a few weeks back. have seven entries there, might transfer them to this site. or might not. the mood and style is a bit different from the current blog, i have to say. as is this post.

whatever.

*sigh*

i want to give up. actually, i've pretty much given up. and yet, here i am, still wondering what i should do next.

let's go through the facts.

1. i hate my current (and soon to be former) job.
2. i turned down one reasonably good job offer. (architectural post, simple job but good pay)
   
3. i have one standing job offer. (architectural post with better pay but maybe worse hours)
4. i have applied for aonther job for which i am awaiting a response. (editorial post in an architectural magazine. no idea about pay or hours.)
   
5. i have a valid work pass until 16 november, which allows me to stay on this island until then, plus two weeks on a tourist visa.
   
6. i am waiting for the outcome of my PR application, which, if approved, should come around 06 november. this will allow me to stay for five years, and opens up multiple employment opportunities in any field.
   

i've gone through the possible scenarios so many times, my head hurts. and my friends have probably had it up to HERE listening to me over-analyse the situation. i guess the question now is, should i play it safe or take the risk? i turned down the first offer on the pretext of better job opportunities, while the truth is i was just being crazy and imagining i'll land my dream job. so now i have to respond to the second offer after the weekend (we can't make them wait too long now, can we?) and commit to a decision. shall i be boring, and as a consequence, miserable by making a 'practical' decision? or shall i act out my true nature and do something that the rest of the world (i.e. family) would deem insane?

friends who know me well (i.e. over five years) opt for the latter. honestly, that's what i would want to do as well. but the truth of the matter is, i'm 28, an immigrant in a foreign land, with no idea how long i can stay here as an unemployed resident, and the burden of 'acting responsibly' rests heavily on my shoulders.

then again. i'm 28, and this may be my last chance to do something this drastic.

heart VS mind. story of my life. oh, the drama.

it gets better...

of course, after the arduous 30-hour journey, i come back to find that the boss has sacked me. i have one month to make his life a living hell now.

everyone keeps asking why, and i can't give them a straight answer. because i don't know why either. the angel of death / bearer of bad tidings did not give me a concrete reason for my getting laid off. so every time somebody asks me what happened, i get all upset. and it doesn't help, people, to keep asking WHY. so stop it. i had to tell my mom in a very irratated tone that they didn't think i was good enough just so she can stop asking. and she was very quiet after that.

i hate my job, i hate my boss, i hate my idiot of a team leader. i have a higher IQ than any of them, and yet i am the one without a job. go figure.