methinks i should stop surfing... and shopping...
21 April 2008
13 April 2008
manic-depressive
or, in today's politically-correct nomenclature, bi-polar. most days i get by acting, looking, feeling normal. but some days it just isn't that easy.
writing used to be therapy for me. maybe i'm getting a bit crazier because i've stopped penning my thoughts in ink (or kilobytes, for that matter). but the thing is, these days i seem to have more things filling my life that i have no time to write. or do i?
last night i reached a periodic low. feeling sad that i spent friday and saturday nights alone at home. now that my job doesn't require me to stay until bedtime, i have nothing to fill the extra hours with. and it makes me sad that i can't find something to do. nay, someone to do them with. the obvious answer would be the boyfriend. but that doesn't help if he's 1,000 miles away.
yes, i have a boyfriend. and i love him terribly. but sometimes i wonder if he's the one i should be with for the rest of my life. i wonder if there's someone better out there. someone more compatible. don't get me wrong, we get along great. but some days i wish he weren't such a dork. and maybe a bit emotionally needy. *sigh*
i know he loves me. and he'll never do anything to hurt me. and maybe - just maybe - he's the one who loves me more than anyone else can. but the question now is - do i love him the same way? sadly enough, i'll have to say no. i love him, but in my heart of hearts i don't think of him as mr perfect. or mr right. he's just... mr right now.
which is why i asked for a break. a time-out. i told him that i'm not sure committing to this relationsihp was the right decision on my part. i know i hurt him. yet again. but i would rather tell the truth than make him think everything is alright.
my head hurts from all this thinking. i wish i knew what life would bring X years down the road. right now, i just can't seem to make up my mind. i don't want to make the tough choices.
writing used to be therapy for me. maybe i'm getting a bit crazier because i've stopped penning my thoughts in ink (or kilobytes, for that matter). but the thing is, these days i seem to have more things filling my life that i have no time to write. or do i?
last night i reached a periodic low. feeling sad that i spent friday and saturday nights alone at home. now that my job doesn't require me to stay until bedtime, i have nothing to fill the extra hours with. and it makes me sad that i can't find something to do. nay, someone to do them with. the obvious answer would be the boyfriend. but that doesn't help if he's 1,000 miles away.
yes, i have a boyfriend. and i love him terribly. but sometimes i wonder if he's the one i should be with for the rest of my life. i wonder if there's someone better out there. someone more compatible. don't get me wrong, we get along great. but some days i wish he weren't such a dork. and maybe a bit emotionally needy. *sigh*
i know he loves me. and he'll never do anything to hurt me. and maybe - just maybe - he's the one who loves me more than anyone else can. but the question now is - do i love him the same way? sadly enough, i'll have to say no. i love him, but in my heart of hearts i don't think of him as mr perfect. or mr right. he's just... mr right now.
which is why i asked for a break. a time-out. i told him that i'm not sure committing to this relationsihp was the right decision on my part. i know i hurt him. yet again. but i would rather tell the truth than make him think everything is alright.
my head hurts from all this thinking. i wish i knew what life would bring X years down the road. right now, i just can't seem to make up my mind. i don't want to make the tough choices.
05 January 2008
*sigh*
i think i'm falling in love again. and this time, i think it's for real. for good. forever.
maybe i'm being a silly hopeless romantic. maybe i'm diving off the deep end again. after all, we've only been seeing each other for two weeks. and now i'm on the other side of the south china sea. who's to say that this will work out? odds are against it, if you look at the physical evidence. but i think i've already started banking on its success. i want this one to work out. i really do.
maybe i'm getting old. maybe i'm tired of looking around. maybe i've had enough of heartbreak. all i know is, none of my previous relationships have ever felt so... un-doomed. then again, all my previous relationships were pretty much against socially-acceptable norms (according to my family).
although we agreed to keep an open mind about our relationship - to not block out the possibility of finding someone else - i'm inclined to put all my efforts into making this one last. i know i said i don't want to commit, i don't want to tie myself down by being exclusive... but to be honest, i want to. i want to be only with him, and not with anyone else. i guess you can say i've found 'the one'. but i know myself well enough to say that it might just be the 'honeymoon phase' - that time during the start of a relationship when everything seems rosey and you can't get enough of the man you're with. so i'm thinking i should give myself some time. perhaps someone else will come along. who knows? i've been surprised more than once in my life.
but - cliche as it may sound - i've never felt this way before. which is why i think this is it. and the irony of it all is... i met him over twelve years ago.
maybe i'm being a silly hopeless romantic. maybe i'm diving off the deep end again. after all, we've only been seeing each other for two weeks. and now i'm on the other side of the south china sea. who's to say that this will work out? odds are against it, if you look at the physical evidence. but i think i've already started banking on its success. i want this one to work out. i really do.
maybe i'm getting old. maybe i'm tired of looking around. maybe i've had enough of heartbreak. all i know is, none of my previous relationships have ever felt so... un-doomed. then again, all my previous relationships were pretty much against socially-acceptable norms (according to my family).
although we agreed to keep an open mind about our relationship - to not block out the possibility of finding someone else - i'm inclined to put all my efforts into making this one last. i know i said i don't want to commit, i don't want to tie myself down by being exclusive... but to be honest, i want to. i want to be only with him, and not with anyone else. i guess you can say i've found 'the one'. but i know myself well enough to say that it might just be the 'honeymoon phase' - that time during the start of a relationship when everything seems rosey and you can't get enough of the man you're with. so i'm thinking i should give myself some time. perhaps someone else will come along. who knows? i've been surprised more than once in my life.
but - cliche as it may sound - i've never felt this way before. which is why i think this is it. and the irony of it all is... i met him over twelve years ago.
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